Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Family support for children and teens


The Importance of Family Support 

by Micaela Presti and the Palo Alto Council of PTAs

Family support refers to the ways that parents, siblings, and extended family 
show love, encouragement, and comfort to each other.  The Developmental 
Asset survey of Palo Alto youth in 2010, reveals that while younger youth 
generally experience family support, teenagers do so much less often: 89% 
of our 5th graders reported family support, 84% of our 7th graders, but only 
66% of our high school students reported the asset.  So, why the big drop 
off?  Some of it is developmental.  In achieving independence, kids don't 
think they need the support from parents as much as from friends and push 
us away. 

Clay Roberts recently came and spoke to Palo Alto community members, 
middle school teachers and parents about the developmental assets and how 
we can build them in our youth.   He spoke about the importance of "love 
languages".   To illustrate the point, he used the story of the husband who 
gives his wife an appliance for her birthday.  She was expecting jewelry.  In 
the husband's language, the appliance was a great idea because he knew she 
loved to cook.  In her language, well, she didn't find it romantic or 
thoughtful.  Robert's point was, we need to know how our partners and 
children interpret our love language. While we may think we are 
communicating support to our family members, it doesn't hurt to once in a 
while to check to see that they are actually feeling it! 
Support can be shown in many ways.  When you hug or kiss your child, and 
say "I love you," the support is pretty obvious.  Less obvious ways of 
showing support include just paying attention to them, listening to them and 
taking an interest in what they are doing.  Our teens are striving to develop 
independence from us. It is hard for parents to not be able to interact in the 
same ways with them.  Teens often want to just talk and have you listen, 
without giving any feedback or advice.  It allows them to work through the 
situation on their own. 

In their book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Foster Cline, M.D. and 
Jim Fay discuss the transition from parenting younger children—who 
typically require guidance and firm limits—to parenting adolescents, who 
benefit most from the freedom to make their own decisions within the 
boundaries of safe, reasonable limits. According to Cline and Fay, effective 
parenting in the teenage years requires clearly communicating expectations
and consequences while allowing youth to make their own decisions and 
"own" the results…even if their choices are not the ones that we would have 
preferred. 

One of the most important things to realize about providing family support 
to older children is that they need the love and support every bit as much as 
younger children do, even if they claim that they don't.  Although it can be 
challenging to remain connected to preteens and teenagers, the benefits of 
doing so are immense. 

The activities below offer a starting point to help build and strengthen the 
asset of family support. 
* Make family rules together, and agree on rewards for following the 
rules and consequences for breaking them. 
* Try to eat at least one meal together every day, and set aside at least 
one evening or weekend day for the family to spend together in a 
pastime that everyone enjoys or finds valuable. Make the effort to 
maintain these traditions and rituals even if your children complain 
about them when they're older. 
* Be sure to recognize your children's unique talents and encourage 
their interests, even when they don't match yours. For example, if 
they're interested in animation, check to see if there's a convention or 
film festival in your region that you can attend together. 
* Look your children in the eyes when you talk to them, and give them 
all of your attention in conversation. 
* Be empathetic about their struggles and concerns—no matter how 
silly or trivial their problems seem to you, they are significant to your 
children. 
* Praise your children for doing a good job and point out when they're 
being helpful. 
* At least once a day, try to express that you appreciate and care about 
your children. 
* Be affectionate, but respect their space; older children especially may 
be uncomfortable about displays of affection in front of non-family 
members. 

This article was adapted from Project Cornerstone and Bainbridge 
Community News. 

--
Joyce Keil
Artistic Director
Ragazzi Boys Chorus

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