The Importance of Family Support
by Micaela Presti and the Palo Alto Council of PTAs
Family support refers to the ways that parents, siblings, and extended family
show love, encouragement, and comfort to each other. The Developmental
Asset survey of Palo Alto youth in 2010, reveals that while younger youth
generally experience family support, teenagers do so much less often: 89%
of our 5th graders reported family support, 84% of our 7th graders, but only
66% of our high school students reported the asset. So, why the big drop
off? Some of it is developmental. In achieving independence, kids don't
think they need the support from parents as much as from friends and push
us away.
Clay Roberts recently came and spoke to Palo Alto community members,
middle school teachers and parents about the developmental assets and how
we can build them in our youth. He spoke about the importance of "love
languages". To illustrate the point, he used the story of the husband who
gives his wife an appliance for her birthday. She was expecting jewelry. In
the husband's language, the appliance was a great idea because he knew she
loved to cook. In her language, well, she didn't find it romantic or
thoughtful. Robert's point was, we need to know how our partners and
children interpret our love language. While we may think we are
communicating support to our family members, it doesn't hurt to once in a
while to check to see that they are actually feeling it!
Support can be shown in many ways. When you hug or kiss your child, and
say "I love you," the support is pretty obvious. Less obvious ways of
showing support include just paying attention to them, listening to them and
taking an interest in what they are doing. Our teens are striving to develop
independence from us. It is hard for parents to not be able to interact in the
same ways with them. Teens often want to just talk and have you listen,
without giving any feedback or advice. It allows them to work through the
situation on their own.
In their book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Foster Cline, M.D. and
Jim Fay discuss the transition from parenting younger children—who
typically require guidance and firm limits—to parenting adolescents, who
benefit most from the freedom to make their own decisions within the
boundaries of safe, reasonable limits. According to Cline and Fay, effective
parenting in the teenage years requires clearly communicating expectations
and consequences while allowing youth to make their own decisions and
"own" the results…even if their choices are not the ones that we would have
preferred.
One of the most important things to realize about providing family support
to older children is that they need the love and support every bit as much as
younger children do, even if they claim that they don't. Although it can be
challenging to remain connected to preteens and teenagers, the benefits of
doing so are immense.
The activities below offer a starting point to help build and strengthen the
asset of family support.
* Make family rules together, and agree on rewards for following the
rules and consequences for breaking them.
* Try to eat at least one meal together every day, and set aside at least
one evening or weekend day for the family to spend together in a
pastime that everyone enjoys or finds valuable. Make the effort to
maintain these traditions and rituals even if your children complain
about them when they're older.
* Be sure to recognize your children's unique talents and encourage
their interests, even when they don't match yours. For example, if
they're interested in animation, check to see if there's a convention or
film festival in your region that you can attend together.
* Look your children in the eyes when you talk to them, and give them
all of your attention in conversation.
* Be empathetic about their struggles and concerns—no matter how
silly or trivial their problems seem to you, they are significant to your
children.
* Praise your children for doing a good job and point out when they're
being helpful.
* At least once a day, try to express that you appreciate and care about
your children.
* Be affectionate, but respect their space; older children especially may
be uncomfortable about displays of affection in front of non-family
members.
This article was adapted from Project Cornerstone and Bainbridge
Community News.
Joyce Keil
Artistic Director
Ragazzi Boys Chorus
